Auto Extreme

I had to face it. At 38 years old, with the attention span of a 12 year old, I was not going to become the next Donald Trump. Or for that matter, not even Donald Trump’s neighbor. While most of my college friends were developing careers and marriages, I was seeking out ways to avoid hard work, while also seeking to procure fast cars and motorcycles. My view at the time (and even now!) was quite simple, a job that requires “occasional weekend work” was and is nothing more than a cruel plot to rob me of time which could be put to much better use….time with fast cars and faster motorcycles! “A veritable conundrum”, you may think. But not necessarily so. Let me tell you how the man that puts the “slack” in “slacker” ended up with two vehicles which will legitimately top 130 miles per hour.

It was easy. Let’s start with the motorcycle. The fact of the matter is that 15 year old Japanese motorcycles hold about as much value as a leisure suit on a Brooks Brother’s clearance rack. Styles change, and thank the lord for that! I was living in a small apartment at the time and had always noticed that there was a motorcycle out back stored under an old tarp. Turned out that it belonged to my neighbor, a young computer guy riding the wave of success brought on by the Y2K fiasco. His wife was a Ph.D. who had just been hired to go do some research at Harvard. We began talking one afternoon and he informed me that they would be relocating to the Boston area within the month. “So will you be taking the motorcycle with you?” I asked. “Well, I went down on it a year ago and really don’t want the hassle of moving it. Why, are you interested”  Now I had to ask, “How much are you asking for it?”. Then came the sweetest words I have ever heard. “How about $500?” Trying my best to look nonchalant I told him I would think about it. And I did. For about a minute.

He had recently brought the bike inside our communal garage, and with the tarp removed, I realized that it was a 1985 Honda Nighthawk S. 700 cc, quarter fairing, good looking bike. A little tattered from his fall, but nothing that duct tape and epoxy couldn’t fix(we bottom feeders generally eschew the Benson and Hedges Concours D’elegance look!). The bike was dirty, but it had a Corbin saddle, progressive shocks, fork kit, K&N jet kit, some minor engine mods, and a tank bag including a ten year old Motorcyclist magazine article which detailed the performance tuning he had done.   It was not running when I took possession, but he had assured me that it ran fine as of last year. So we did the paperwork, I paid him, and had me a new toy!Â

Long story short, I went to the hardware store and bought some supplies and proceeded to get the beast running. Thirty minutes later I was cruising around the block with a big grin on my face. Now that it was running, it was time to clean it up. Using degreaser, a Mother’s three step car wax, and a Dremel tool made it look like new! I got a little cocky with this thrasher and bought a set of F1 slip-on’s to give it that World Superbike sound.Â

So for well under a thousand dollars I now have a fast, reliable bike on which to re-enact the exploits of Joey Dunlop on my own version of the Isle of Man(which I will share with you if the price is right).

Ok, this is a car magazine, so let’s move on to the Porsche. Since the time I could walk, I have always wanted a 911. To me, this was(and still is) the epitome of the Bauhaus mantra which dictates that form follows function. No sissy chrome or tacked on glitz. A man’s car. The best!

It all started with a 1980 MGB Limited Edition. The year was 1988, and I fancied myself the next auto tycoon, as it was at the height of the collector car feeding frenzy. Maybe it was too many Greatful Dead shows, or maybe it was just plain stupidity, but in the end, I had put over ten thousand dollars into a car which was in the end, worth the princely sum of $2,500. With that level of business acumen, I could have sat on the board of Enron!
It is now 1995. My father had just totaled my other car, Volkswagen Fox, leaving me with only the aforementioned $2,500 in my pocket, and no car. Enter a 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit Cabriolet (quit your snickering right now). I bought it for $3000 and after getting a set of GTI alloys, I had the makings of a fine little street racer. For all of you laughing at a guy driving a VW cab, I feel I must tell you that the alloys were removed from a junkyard car while it was precariously supported on the tines of a forklift, operated by a guy who most likely was named Cletus!

Fast forward to 1997, and my sister calls with the tale of a BMW 325 Cabriolet on the side of the road for under $6,000. My initial thoughts were that this would most likely be an automatic. Most of them are.
So we decided to go take a look. Glad I did. Cracked windshield, dirty interior, snow tires on the back, and 150K on the clock. Oh well, may as well take it for a test ride while we’re here. Glad I did. When that BMW straight six hit 4000 on the tach the thing just lunged forward like a cat on steroids.  Sold!!!!!

Now that I had some speed under my belt, life was good. I got pretty friendly with the parts guy at our local dealership, and soon had the interior looking good as new. Modifications to this car included a K&N filter and Jim C chip. This combo was good for an indicated 135 MPH(I had been told, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). This was a comfortable fast ride, so I should have been quite happy, right? Wrong. I still needed the automotive equivalent of the Holy Grail. So I sold the Bimmer for $6,000 with 196K on the clock.

Armed with some cash, and having secured a loan, I was now ready to enter the sacred zone. I knew right from the start that my budget would be between 15 and 20 thousand dollars, so the only choice in this range was a Carerra 3.2. I foolishly thought this would be a no brainer. I looked for about a year, but there was nothing out there in silver with a burgundy interior. So one Sunday afternoon I was sitting with a buddy taking in the sights at our local branch of Hooters while reading an Auto Locator. In a moment that defined serendipity, there was a Guards Red Targa on the front cover for only $18,000. “I’ll take any other color than Red” was immediately replaced with “Color Schmolor, I need Das Targa!” I went to see the car the following Monday evening. It was in Bethlehem, just off of route 22. I brought along an auto broker friend in order to inject some objectivity into the dealings. After much back and forth, I handed the seller a deposit and the deal was done.Â

I went to collect the car the following Saturday, and life got good fast. The previous owner informed me that the car was never smoked in, to which I replied “That’ll change in two minutes”.

It’s been a blur since that Saturday. I joined the Porsche club in order to do what the car was meant to do. Get thrashed on the track. At this point the only modifications are: a harness bar, five point harnesses, K&N cone, “test” pipe (still testing! It’ll probably take a few more years to draw any meaningful conclusions), dead pedal, and Hawk Blue brake pads.

So for well under $20,000, I now have a car that can be driven to the track for two or three days of hammering, and still provide adequate day to day transportation (topless, I should add). So in the end, was the Porsche everything I expected? No. It is waaayyyy more than what I expected. So much so that I think I’ll keep it for another few years before…..buying another one. I have found automotive Nirvana, and have no plans to leave.

So there you have it. Two very fast vehicles for less than the price of a new Ford Escort. God bless America!!!

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Author:

Starting with a $99 “American Auto” minibike at age 9, Christopher Mahalick has spent the past 30 years frittering away his hard earned cash feeding a completely irrational car and motorcycle obsession. He currently writes a monthly column for “Der Gasser”, a monthly publication produced by the Porsche Club of America’s Riesentoter Region. In addition to a monthly column, he is also active in Drivers Ed as a participant, as well as being the region’s track registrar.

His style could be best described as “car articles that even chicks read”. Employing equal doses of humor and practicality, his mission is to bring “speed to the masses” by dispelling the myth that the car/motorcycle hobby is restricted only to the ultra-rich. Mr. Mahalick’s current “fleet” includes the following: a 1984 911 Targa, a 1971 914, a 1977 Yamaha RD-400 café bike, and “Thrashy”, a 1988, $150 Volkswagen Jetta beater.
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